I'm scared of who I'm becoming.

I can't be right.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've never been so far gone before. I'm holding so much resentment that it just makes me indifferent to everything. And then for one brief shimmering moment I will remember God, remember Him, and in that brief moment I want it back. I want to be able to break down all the barriers that are cutting me off, I want to give it all up, give it all away, say 'fine'. And then the moment passes and I'm left more determined not to.

I can't stand the thought of leaving again. And I've given up trying to make it seem ok. I keep thinking to myself that if only I stayed, I could be happy here. I could. I could get myself somewhere to stay, I could look after myself, I wouldn't have to leave everything behind again. But deep down I know that I couldn't do it. I would feel like I failed myself, failed God (not that I haven't already), failed to live up to everything that's in store for me.

I guess I'm pretty angry because I feel like I've tried so hard this year. I've tried to give it up time and time again, and I feel like I've had no help from God whatsoever. Heals the broken hearted, my ass. And I'm completely broken, and I'm still trying. I'm still going back. I gave up looking for help from Him, and I don't know how much longer I can do this on my own.

From my journal a couple months ago:
It makes me wonder if the rest of my life fits into the box I have so willingly provided, having labeled it "God's Plan For My Life".

It makes me a little bit angry. Don't I have the right to know about my own life? Apparently not.

To choose "right" is to choose to have no say over one's life, it seems to me. Shall I choose to give up all my say over my life just because You know best?

I can't be right without choosing what You want.

Why can't I do anything right on my own? So if I am good, I bind myself to another's will, and become a servant.

And I shouldn't have such a problem with this, since you have paid the price, but for my pride and ego.

Jesus Loves the Dinos

James showed me this, and it was so epic I had to put it up.

God: Referee or Coach?

So through my time at SPU, I became pretty tight with one of my professors. Dr. Thorpe. He was my English professor for my introduction-to-college course. I started going to his office to talk pretty frequently. My good friend Grace and I even went together sometimes, because we're his number one fans. Anyway there was this one day I remember, when we were talking about... God's direction. And Grace mentioned that it bugged her when people called an event/realisation in their life "A God Thing"; and suddenly we found ourselves arguing about how involved God is in human lives, while Dr. Thorpe sat back and watched and chortled.

I came from the standpoint that God is actively involved in our lives, and that we should give him heaps of credit or whatev. Grace, on the other hand, believed that God had very little involvement, and that people were stupid to read too much into coincidental occurrences. Since that day, my belief has changed drastically, has swung to the polar opposite, and then somehow dropped itself in the middle.

Grace's standpoint gave God the role of a sort of coach, if I may use really dumb analogies. He equips us with instruction, but at the end of the day has to let us do what we want, and He stands at the side lines, watching (Deists often compare God to a "watchmaker"). From my old view, God was more of a referee. On the pitch with us, laying down the law and all that sort of thing. This view involves less choice-making abilities for us as humans, but by our actions we also essentially choose the consequences.

I used to talk to God as I went about my day, I would drop in prayers here and there, I would sometimes make a running commentary (and would probably annoy the hell out of God (haha.. the hell)) on my life or what I was doing, I would crack jokes with him (yeah not sure what He thought of those, either). I used to say lengthy prayers before I fell asleep. I often found I couldn't sleep until I had prayed (and don't tell God I said this, but prayer is quite a good method in putting oneself to sleep). Lately, though, things have been different. I don't talk to God at all. I will have the rare quick word, but this pretty much only happens when a) I see an ambulance drive past, and I pray for the people inside, or b) someone asks me to pray for them.

Before, I believed God was active in my life because I actively included Him in my life. Now, I'm still holding God off at arm's distance, and He has no involvement (that is not to say that He can't use others to influence me, but direct influence is no more), simply because I do not want it. And so, I have come to the conclusion that it is subjective. It varies for different people, based on their attitudes and openness to God. God will be as involved in your life as you want, and though He may always be knocking on the door, if you say no, He hears it.

And I know that if you read this, you probably want some kind of explanation as to why I'm holding God at arm's distance, and are all concerned or whatever. It's because I'm in pain. And because I hate the road that He has laid out before me. And despite my anger and resentment, I am trying to walk it. Just so you know. I am trying.

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'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I--I hardly know, sir, just at present--at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'