A Tornado named Torment

I wrote this one probably about a year and a half ago, in my journal, and I never shared it because it was too intense and too personal, but now, I suppose, in my recent purging of poetry and writing I want to share. Over the top of the poem I wrote a Shakespeare quote, "past reason hunted and no sooner had, past reason hated". So, enjoy:

Here's to you,
you asshole,
and to me,
your hobby.
Here's to an endless train
of thoughts,
devoted entirely to you,
steaming fast,
headed
nowhere.
Here's to the
sparkle in your eye,
that speaks worlds to me,
unspoken to the world.
Here's to hopelessness
so hopeless it becomes a joke,
and how seriously I take it.
Here's to a passion
without rest
and a yearning
without satisfaction.

You're a drag on a cigarette.
I breathe you in,
and breathe you back out,
and you feel good,
but my heart is become black.
And I don't care.
In my mind, I tear
your life apart,
simply to accommodate my own,
and it's so easy.
And I don't care.
I don't care.
And yet I care too much.
You are the object of my desire,
you remain a lottery,
the odds are stacked against me,
I cannot win.
Still you are the object of my passion.
An object nonetheless.

You hold a strange
power over me,
which I fail to fight.
Because of you I hate myself,
my inability to resist.

My mind a tornado,
I call it torment.
Debris of me,
of you,
of a distorted world,
and a one-track mind.
Here's to you:
fuck you.
And to me:
the same.

The Letter

Yeah, I wrote it.
And I addressed it
to you.
And I've said the things
I've wished
I could've.
Yeah, I wrote it.
About fucking time.

Yeah, I wrote it.
And there's no
going back,
not now, or ever.
One of these days,
I suppose,
you'll respond.
About fucking time.

Yeah, I wrote it.
And I won't regret it,
regardless.
And if I'm lucky
maybe later I'll think
I should've written
that fucking letter
sooner.

The Glory of the Fuck You,
it's a piece my friend
wrote once.
Fucking brilliant,
and just so you know:
I won't be taken alive.
And if I'm going down,
I'm going down swinging.

My heart is wide open
and my guns are blazing.

I will live, and I will love,
and this world and all of its shitty rules
can't fucking stop me.

Dear Life, (3)

I'm scared.
I know this is
my third poem to you,
(in four days)
but my feelings
toward you
change daily
(and I'm surprised
I haven't written more).
I don't know how
healthy this is,
I don't think
it's healthy at all,
trying this hard
to correspond with life.
You obviously
haven't written back
and at this point
I just don't get it
(Or maybe I get it too much).
Can't someone just
fucking tell me?
What the hell am I
supposed to do?
I'm more suicidal now
than I have ever been
before, and I'm scared.
There, I said it.
I want to run away,
but I can't escape myself.
God how I wish I could.
You forced me to build
this self-contained prison,
and I want out.
The mind is too torturous,
too manipulating,
too calculating.
If there is anything
I don't want to do,
it is to make life unbearable
for others.
I can play nice,
and smile, maybe even laugh;
but the truth is I'm cracking.
I'm scared of following
my logic through to finish
because maybe I'm not selfless
enough to keep on living.
Maybe I'm burning bridges
because I wish that I could cry
about something,
anything,
to remember what it's like
to feel human.
I'm lost at sea,
and every day I'm drifting, slipping
a little bit further away,
so won't you throw me
a life line,
please,
it's the least you can do
(I like to think).
I'm scared.
I've never hated myself
like this before,
and I don't know how much longer
I can tolerate it.
Maybe I'm not over religion,
maybe this battle rages
between my old ideals
and my new-found realism,
but like I said,
I haven't a clue.
All I know is that I'm done
with the same
old
shit.

Dear Life, (2)

i know we've had our differences
(differences meaning
that I am forever wishing
that you were something
you are not),
but today
I would rather
we just get along.
The better part of today
I spent dark.
My mind stained blood red
thinking of endless possibilities
(endlessly searching
for an end),
plotting escape
and freedom.

Sometimes, life,
I think you have it in for me,
these are the times I write
self-righteous and indignant
poetry upon the pages
of a well-worn and loved novel,
because I'm convinced, life,
that you will never grant me
the opportunity
to produce anything near
that which I esteem so highly.
I pretend, if you will,
that I could be something,
an author worthy of publication,
worthy of being read,
worthy of thought,
and worthy of influencing others
in the same way I am influenced
by those I admire.
Too often you laugh
at my pipe dream,
but today, life,
accept my first gift to you:
a peace offering
in the form of a poem.
A poem written on the back
of several receipts,
mostly for cigarettes.
I write here:
I accept my mortality,
all things temporary,
the fact that I may never
amount to anything,
the fact that this poem
may never be read
or published
or given a second thought.
I accept, for now,
that you will not be moulded
to my desires,
that my well-being
really is none of your concern,
and that it may not get better.

Today you gave me hope,
and so today
I accept your terms.
So please, let's get along,
maybe even learn to enjoy one another,
because for now we have a truce,
we are both nothing other
than what we are,
and I can't help it
and I know that you can't either.
We are both bound
by our own chains
of existence,
of co-existence.

Sometimes I forget about birth
in the midst of death,
mostly, I think,
birth is a means to an end,
how tragic and unmerciful
you can be.
And I'm not afraid of dying
but I admit that I'm terrified
of living,
and what option do I have,
but to live out my fear?
Thank you, life.
I hate you but I'm trying.

Dear Life,

I've been wondering,
why is happiness inequitable?
Why do you cater more
to some socio-economic groups
than to others?
Why, when I enjoy a meal,
do millions of others
sit hunched over in hunger,
and what did I ever do
to deserve such a privilege?
Why does it seem nothing
but your very ambition
to distribute inequality?
You're dealing shitty hands
like there's no tomorrow.
Are you biased?
Prejudiced?
An asshole?
Who decides the rations,
and why don't they
fuck up less?
I know I'm fortunate,
I have opportunities, I'm lucky,
if I take these I can help,
maybe make the world a bit better,
maybe.
And I know to squander my life,
to take it all for granted,
would be like spitting
in the face of those
who don't have food,
money,
an education,
a job,
or a chance at any of the above.
But sometimes
it feels as though
the only way to express
the truest contempt
for the depth of injustice
embedded in reality,
the fibres of injustice woven through
all we stand upon,
is to escape reality altogether.
I don't want to spit in the face
of those less fortunate,
and believe me if reality
had a more discernible face
it would be my target.
I'm sorry I'm not more
of a success.
Sometimes I think,
to deny reality,
to vanish wholly from it,
would be the biggest
middle finger
it could ever receive.
Much more than a 'no, thank you',
a 'what the fuck',
an 'I hate you',
or even an 'I want nothing to do with you'.
It's an outright
'I will not exist as long as you do,
and if that means forever,
then so be it'.
It's the biggest slap in the face
upon principle alone
that life has ever seen.
And so, life,
today that's what I think.
And some days we don't get along,
and I don't know how to reconcile
our differences.
Any thoughts?

A Summary?

You made me laugh,
we rolled joints,
we we swam in the lake,
smoked too many cigarettes
and made pancakes.
Remember when we fell
over Jimmy Hendrix's feet?
Well, that was the moment
I fell for you.
You make me feel alive,
you make me want to live.
And yes, you showed me miracles.
but I would be lying
if I said they weren't
couple with some devastating
blows of disappointment.
I've never expected much
from anyone,
but for me honesty tops the list.
There is still so much to you
that is hidden, a mystery
beyond me,
yet I dealt benefits of the doubt
like there was no tomorrow.
Now tomorrow has arrived,
and I have no regrets
but I'm hurting, and I blame
no one but myself.
Vulnerability, perhaps honesty,
will make fools of us all,
and so perhaps you were
the clever one,
writes the fool.

To Love

I don't know quite
what you did to me,
but whatever magic you wielded,
it worked.
I can honestly say
that I've never been this head-
over-heels,
no-head-on-my-shoulders,
far gone.
And I can honestly say
that I'm the biggest fool
the world has ever seen,
yet I can no longer conceive
of being anything
else,
and sometimes I'm convinced
that that's all I really want,
as awful as it sounds.
The battle wages,
head versus heart
round six billion and two
(and if experience could speak,
it would probably advise my head
to just throw in the towel),
and what do I (what does 'I'
even mean anyway?) want?
I don't fucking know.
Him.
But an honest him, a trustworthy him,
and that's something
I just can't seem
to wrap my mind around:
my fault or his?
I want to know
just how cheap his words are,
and how he feels when he speaks them.
Do they feel dirty
coming out of his mouth?
Or make him swell with pride
at his cunning words spinning webs,
covering his tracks,
wrapping those nearby carefully
around his finger?
Or perhaps it saddens him
to speak the truth
and have so much up against him
that his truth becomes blurred?
I am drawn to you, to him,
like a moth to light,
which I fucking hate
because, really,
have you ever watched a moth in action?
Sucker. And yet that's me.
Spinning in circles in my head,
trying to reach the goddamn light,
despite my knowledge
of Icarus' tragic
fall.
I'm too high
off the fucking ground,
everything looks so
minute,
my head is in the clouds
and I can't fucking see
straight.
The sun is probably
misleadingly close
and if I'm not careful
my wings could melt.
Or is this already the downward spiral
I find myself in?
Love, seriously, fuck you.
I'm mad - or -
"Not mad, but bound more than a mad-man is;
Shut up in prison, kept without my food,
Whipp'd and tormented and—"
- and quoting Shakespeare.
Seriously, love, fuck you.
Why did you force me
to create such a high pedestal
that I cannot even see him
whom I placed upon it?
Most inconvenient,
and pretty much just fucking bullshit,
but goddammit I'm powerless against you, love,
and what can one do?
Remember all the dandelions
and shooting stars I wished upon?
Well, all of those wishes were for him (and you),
and sadly I can't say that one of them
turned out true,
then again maybe I just can't tell.
(Oh, second guesses,
you are so full of shit,
then again, perhaps correct.)
I don't know if I should keep on wishing,
maybe one day,
my wish will come true,
right Jiminy Cricket?
I never gave much heed to what I deemed
romantic sap, idealistic shit,
but I've been turned into
a romantic sap, an idealistic shit,
giving too much heed to it all.
Rationality, why, oh why,
have you forsaken me?
Left to my ridiculous thoughts
weaving their ridiculous plans
of hopeful bliss
or what I think is happiness,
I approximate: I'm fucked.
Well, shit.
I don't know if Bill understood you,
(I don't know if anyone does)
but I think he knew you better than I,
"Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke,
cold fire, sick health!
...This love feel I".
Love, you are forever transforming,
and today you rear your ugly head.
And what tomorrow,
a tender kiss?
Or perhaps a tackle at the knees?
(Don't be offended,
you always make the lowest of blows,
I would return the favour
if only I could figure out your weakness.
Samson had hair,
Achilles, a heel,
Creon, hubris,
me, him.
But you, you are impenatrable,
unbreakable,
and everyone's always saying 'love wins',
whatever that means.
Perhaps I'm no match for you,
but I'm going to give you
a run for your money,
and maybe your strength will overcome me,
but my rationality, I swear to you,
will fight tooth and nail
just to see that you don't render us all
fools,
and maybe that's my hubris talking,
but c'mon, let's not lie,
the force is strong with me.
And fuck, you're winning already
because I definitely made that reference
for him.)
Love, I know you're probably sick
of the endless stream
of ranting passionate poetry
directed at you, always,
by suckers like me,
but that's just what you get,
for being you,
and taking a whole lot more (sanity)
than you ever seem to give.
As a final request, love,
I'd really appreciate it
if you would shut the fuck up
long enough for the voice of reason
to get some words in edgeways,
as then I might stand a fighting chance.
Thanks.
With love,
Corissa

I am willing.
I wonder if it's worth it.
I hear bias, prejudice, presumption.
I see beauty in x.
I want honesty to speak in authority on everything.
I am willing.

I pretend that I'm invincible.
I feel hunted.
I touch not enough skin.
I worry that I gamble on too much.
I cry when I feel most human.
I am willing.

I understand that there's only so much I can do.
I say that I'll do it.
I dream of idealism and going home and traveling and poetry and you.
I try to keep my chin up.
I hope I don't fuck it all up.
I am willing.

Thus Writes The Fool

I suppose this is what you get
when you put yourself on the line.
Regardless what you expect,
you're stuck with what happens,
and figuring out where to go
from here.
I want you to know that
I wore my heart on my sleeve
(by my standards, at least),
against all odds
and despite my better judgment.
I wore my heart on my sleeve
(by my standards, at least)
not because I was in denial
or because I thought
it would all turn out perfectly,
but because I wanted to live,
and sometimes taking a gamble
is what that means.
Risk-taking pays off one way
or another,
and it didn't pan out this time,
but there's always a next,
and I will gamble on it
because I want to live.
I gambled on you,
I lost,
and life has me quite pinned down
in several different rings,
but I swear I'll make
a fucking comeback
despite everything.
I want you to know
that I really wanted to know you,
and that the moment we fell
over Jimmy Henrix's feet
was the moment I fell
for you.
Not that it makes a difference
either way, anymore, because
you're still hidden,
a mystery beyond me.
I want you to know
that I dealt benefits of the doubt
like there was no tomorrow,
and now tomorrow has arrived
and I have no regrets
but I'd by lying if I said
I wasn't hurting,
yet I blame no one but myself.
Vulnerability, perhaps honesty,
will make fools of us all,
and so perhaps you were
the clever one,
writes the fool.

Once Again To Love,

I'm sorry about my last letter.
Not that I didn't mean every word
I wrote, because I did, but today
it struck me
that you're not all bad.
It's just that you and your friend life
(or are you friends?
I guess you don't always go
hand in hand)
have got me by the balls,
(excuse my language)
and most of the time
I just don't quite know
what
to do about it.
Love, the truth is
you get me through just as many rough days
as you cause
(and you cause a lot of rough days).
But I just wanted to write to you,
as a sort of terms of agreement:
I cannot promise to refrain from writing
more furious poetry at you in the future,
as (let's be realistic, here, shall we?
Are you capable of realism, love?
Don't be angry,
I only jest.
Sort of.)
that will be inevitable
at one point or another.
I'm honestly
still pretty pissed at you
for winning, like they always say you do.
But, no matter,
there are more important matters at hand:
my sanity.
Please, whatever you do, spare it.
My mind is really all I have,
and I'd like it to remain
(for the most part, at least,)
intact.
That really is my only stipulation, love,
everything other than that
is fair game,
all is fair, love, in war.
And this is.
In return I submit myself
to this fucking mercurial shit
that I somehow cannot do without.
Love, I will take you on,
once again despite the odds,
despite what I know,
what may come
and what I may suffer.
Throw every curve ball you have,
bring it the fuck on.
So it is settled.
As a post script, I'd like to share
with you a Cuban philosophy,
my blazing middle finger to you
in acceptance of your challenge:
jodido pero contento,
fucked but happy.

Handshaken

There's something so rewarding
about being more than civil
in a situation where you have the right
(God-given, I might say)
to be much less.
And I pride myself on this fact:
that I was,
so much more than civil,
I'm trying to show good sportsmanship.
After all, to you, this is merely a game.
One thing I'll never know
is how strategic you were
because you never,
not for one second,
let down that guard.
Allow me to say, however,
that you were either
extremely clever
or a single thought never traversed
the empty expanse
of that pretty head.
I gambled harder on you
than I ever have on anyone
and I'm done giving out
second chances and get out of jail free cards
like they're pennies,
or worse: dirt.
Because they're not,
they are so much more,
yet that is how you treated them.
I don't care so much
about the state of my heart,
I knowingly laid that on the line.
But the disrespect
and time you wasted
are insurmountable.
So no more of your
high school glory days bullshit
and no more of your fucking complacency.
I'm tired of megalomania,
so no more.
Molly said it best:
I dealt with more bullshit
than you were worth.
So tonight I shook your hand,
and congratulated you,
after I danced to your music,
listened to you play,
watched you put your arm
around the girl in the red coat.
In that handshake,
a goodbye, a knowing wink,
a 'you got me', an 'I'm out',
and maybe one day, in retrospect,
you'll finally understand what it meant,
a little respect.

tonight i will

Tonight I want to rid my heart of you.
Tonight I want to be done.
Tonight I want to burn every page
that has your name upon it,
and purge every hope and dream
I ever needlessly stowed for you.
You have a whole store room
of wishes spent,
of letters written,
and poems,
all to you,
and tonight I will lock the door
and throw away the key.
Throw it into the river,
so that it will be water under the bridge.
Tonight I'm done,
I will bow out with grace,
I will end it with a handshake
and say 'good game',
because you played so hard
that I'm opting out.
In light of everything,
I can no longer justify this gamble.
And all the reason I used to try
boiled down to stupidity,
and so no more.
Tonight I will not be the fool,
tonight cries for catharsis,
tonight my heart begs to moved forward,
and tonight I will.

hoops, loops and oops.

If only 'twas known
the sheer number of hoops
I have jumped through, of late.
The volume of mental loops and judgmental oops
I pulled after vast excavation
of the bare threads of existence
far outweighs any evidence in your favour,
and I can't decide what that means.
Every road seems a dead end,
every hope a pipe dream,
but even dead ends and pipe dreams are disputable,
right?
I've tried to gently tug at layers
of life-long armour
carefully constucted
to build a fortress,
and what a fortress it has become.
Complete, even, with a moat.
You know what (the ever ambiguous) 'they' say,
if you're going to get wet
you might as well go swimming.
So i did (for I am forever trying and testing what 'they' say),
I dove straight in,
tried to reach the depths,
tried to cross to shore,
tried to lower the drawbridge.
I've heard that there is no try,
there is only do or do not.
Oops.
Yet I am not done,
not now, not yet.
I plan to see my pipe dream
to the very end of my pipe,
will accept a dead end
only at the very deadest of ends.
Now I dutifully tell you
that the end is drawing nigh,
in my own bubbling indifference,
from a bubble too often burst.
There is a chance,
a small sliver of a chance cradled
by the moon,
(because sometimes even the moon
can only take so much waning),
so take it.

Enumeration

I'm sorry if I'm crass.
I'm a hint spiteful on days
when nothing matters.
They come too fast and too frequently
for my taste.

Bitter translates to
bitterish translates to
bitterness translates to
bittered.

(I've been brittle,
breaking,
broken,
barely breathing,
beneath it all,
bruised and
bare.
I've been battered
by debris of a life exploded,
a mind imploded,
a being overloaded.
I've begged.
Pleaded.)

Before it all would I have enumerated
the translations of bitter?

The Way I Feel These Days

If I could describe
the way I feel these days,
I'd say it's something like
a long lost friend,
so lost this friend
is almost a stranger,
knocking on my door.
And the deepest core of me,
some might call it a soul,
rejoices,
revels in the good company,
content and reminiscing.
I invite my friend
to the fireplace,
where we watch the flames dance
and remember what it's like
to feel good,
and we feel good.
We drink and talk away
the night, laugh,
make merry and bask
in the ever-warm glow
of this night.
Everything illuminated
by the gentle flickering
of candles
in the fireplace.
I am warm, calm,
life feels softer
than it has in years,
and it's becoming.
I've decided that I'm
far too good at ambiguity,
but this won't be ambiguous;
I'm touched,
peaceful,
at rest.
Happiness is home.

Twenty

I'm okay with being twenty,
because today I woke up
and I decided that I was twenty.
Time didn't decide,
nor did numbers
or years,
I did.
My birthday is really just incidental.

I call this piece: An All Too Serious Joke

In the ever wise words
of Rilo Kiley,
I'm not my perspective.
I want you to know.
But too often my perspective
is all the world sees,
I become controversial,
a mere symbol of a war waged
between ideologies.
A pawn in the fucking game
of life, represented
by my ideas and my actions.
Actions speak louder than words
but you can't understand my actions
without hearing my words.
A perfect catch-22
where without conversation
my actions become meaningless,
or unintelligible:
clay to be molded by any artist
into exactly what they desire.
Fantastic, but that's not me.
Just so you know,
I'm not my perspective.
I'm growing tired of endlessly
justifying myself
to those who miss the point.
I'm sick of running in circles
with people, watching them try
to catch their own tails,
and to what end?
(That's a joke.)
So much for dialectic materialism,
sorry Hegel, Marx and Feuerbach.
The world really is
going to the dogs.
(That's another joke.)
If a synthesis is so unattainable
what about the philosophy
of live and let live,
is that still too impossible?
I know you may believe in god,
but I'm not interested
in your spiritual warfare.
If we're going to argue or talk
let's talk or argue for the sake
of logic and truth,
not for the sake
of saving my soul.
I'm done convincing people
that I'm not a bad person,
that I'm well-intentioned,
mostly because I shouldn't have to.
I won't adhere to "objective" guidelines,
because no such thing exists,
and simply arguing that fact
is enough of a demonstration
in it's favour.
So yes, let's talk,
but only if we'll make progress,
because the world is full
of enough bullshit already.

Politics, politics,
goddamn politics.
What I learned today
is that one must be blameless,
because when the shit starts flying,
it flies, and none are spared,
and all are incriminated.

Dream

Last night
I saw you.
You were just as beautiful
as I remember,
with that laugh, smile,
twist of the wrist.
A mirage from my past
in the quiet hours
of the night,
behind my sleeping eyes
I saw you.
I remember the desperate
feeling of longing
and the way
you couldn't see me
and the way
I couldn't touch you
when I stretched out my hand.
I remember how painful
it was.
Painful to see
the very image
of you,
knowing that it wasn't you.
Painful to hear your words
and resounding laugh,
but not be heard in return.
I wanted,
so badly,
to tell you
how much I still love you,
and that I think of you daily.
And you were there,
right there,
but you weren't there
at all.
Nothing but empty space
my mind fills with thoughts
and memories
and desires.
Nothing but the embodiment
of pain mingled with nostalgia.
Nothing.
My inability to reach you,
to have ever reached you,
still brings me to my knees.
The world suffered a blow
the instant you departed
and the world has yet
to recover.
Mind tricks;
thoughts reverting back
to times you breathed
because I still can't cope
with the fact
that you don't.
Despite all the beliefs
I've watched burn in the furnace
I like to think that perhaps
you sprouted wings
and learned the harp
if only because I know that
that thought would make you
crack a joke.

My Three-Poems-In-An-Hour Saga

These are three poems I wrote in a row on my way home from work. It's weird because it kind of shows you a typical Corissa thought process (not that I think in poems. Ok sometimes I do). Anyway, enjoy:

Days like these
seem so absurd,
when I can see
my reflection
and the bridge,
looking down
at a water drop
that landed
in my shoe.
When everything
in the water
seems infinite
because there is
no beginning
and there is
no end.

They call you,
claim you to be,
the alpha and omega,
and god how sometimes
I wish you existed.
How selfish.
More selfish still
how I wish that
I existed,
infinite as the ripples
and waves in the water,
infinite as the reflection
in my shoe.

Everything really is nothing
when you live a hundred years,
at best.
And god how I wish
it meant so much more.
And god at the very same time,
and in the very same breath,
it all still means
much too much.
Is this what it means
to be human?
The constant conflict
between being far too little
and far too much.

But 'little' and 'much',
what do these words even mean?
In the very act of using words
they seem to lose meaning
just as in the act of living
life itself seems to become
not-worth-living.
Can one speak
without speaking
or live
without living?
Can one dream
without dreaming?

Even if it were possible,
what would it mean?
Who knows?
At the end of the day,
these things
are all
I have.
And after all,
these are just words
of a poem
written one August day
at a bus stop,
and today
it means far too little.

----------

Today, on the bus,
I want to read my poem,
to stand up and recite it all
just to see
how the world might react.

I'm looking at people,
choosing the ones
I think might get it,
or the ones I think
need to hear it.
Is that arrogant?

You I want to read my poem
because you spent
too much time
on your make-up this morning,
and you I want to read my poem
because you are staring at me,
cupping your face with one hand.

You I want to read my poem
because you have a tacky tattoo
of a Chinese character,
and it probably says 'rice'.
You, well I want you to ask
to read my poem,
because I think
we could be friends.

Among the smiles,
quizzical glances,
and curious stares,
I wonder if anyone
will ask me
what I'm writing.
I wonder if I'll
be brave enough to say,
I'm writing about
you.

I wonder if
they'll ask me
why there's a paperclip
in my hair
where a bobby pin
rightfully belongs,
or why there's a scratch
on my arm,
and I wonder if
it even makes any difference.

I suppose what all
my wonderings mean
is that I want my voice
to be heard,
challenging the world
and its trivial complexities.

So I guess I write poetry.

----------

I saw the same man twice today,
and though I only saw his back,
I knew it was him
because of the way he whistled.

I heard him on my way
to the bus stop,
stopped dead in my tracks, thinking,
'that is an impressive whistle',
turned and watched him,
black t-shirt and jeans,
walking from his car to his house.
I smiled at the eccentricity,
paused, and walked on.

On my way back
from the bus stop,
seven cigarettes
and seven hours later,
who should I hear
from a block away
but the very same man,
black t-shirt and jeans,
walking from his car to house,
whistling.

This time he whistled
something of a different tune.
Stopped dead in my tracks again,
I paused.
Rather than smiling
at the eccentricity,
I wanted to know
why he was whistling,
what he was going home to,
what his idea of success was
at the end of the day,
and whether or not he fit
into his own definition.

I wondered,
if I knew the reason,
would it be something
I could appreciate?
Would it be something
that could make me
want to whistle?
I wondered if the reason
would make me scoff,
wondered if I was better off
not knowing,
then finally wondered
why I was wondering
at all.