God's Labyrinth

There is a reason that my blog is entitled 'Destination:Beautiful'. I know it's the title of a Mae album. And I love that album. But Mae is not the point. The point is that we are striving for a destination, and I'm sure you can guess that I'm about to say 'and that destination is beautiful'. From a Christian perspective, for me this means a destination not only in the sense of reaching heaven, but in a sense of achieving beauty in this life - beauty through a deeply personal relationship with God. And the while the journey doesn't end there, by no means (HECKZ NO!!!!), there is still a sense that we have achieved our purpose.

"The Journey is the Destination" also has huge significance to me. It comes from a journal of the artist Dan Eldon, who lived an amazing life, traveling through Africa and countless other countries reaching out to people. I love his artwork (check it if you get a chance, his journals are absolutely incredible). He poured so much of himself into what he did. And I believe that the journey in itself is so much of what the destination is. After all, we are only the product of our journey at the end.

I've been feeling, very heavily lately, an overwhelming sense of a journey that I am on. It is not physical. One might say it's something of a pilgrimage. What I seek is the truth. I seek to know my Faith. I want to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what I believe and why I believe it. I have been so furiously sorting and processing all sorts of information and experiences since my arrival, and I feel that I'm really getting to the core of this whole faith business. Realising so much, taking in so much that I can't hold it all in. I want to know my God, and myself. Who am I? And more importantly, who am I in relation to God?

Today I did a Labyrinth walk. It was good for me, a sort of physical embodiment of my thought process and emotions, a symbolic way for me to understand. It encourages a lot of reflection. And as I was walking I began to thank God. For such a beautiful city, for University Scholars, for the SMC program (or opportunity), the weather, the friends I have made, the people I have met. And then I surprised myself. I began to thank Him for the hurt. For the anger and resentment and pain I went through. I thanked Him for the suffering that led me to this very moment. That suffering has probably been the most valuable part of my experience thus far, and has caused me to look far beyond myself.

I've realised that I'm finally rejoicing in the gift God has given me. Yes, coming here has been a gift. Not a punishment, not a trap. A gift. And finally, in releasing all of the harmful emotions that I harboured for so long, I am freeing myself to receive the gift. I haven't only been freed from the suffering that I experienced in coming here, but also that which I have held onto throughout the years. How stifled I felt because of IB, how little I grew as a person in those two years, how little I felt like striving to be the best I can be. And now I can't keep track of my growth. I'm living again - and really living. I feel like I can finally smile again. I feel like I'm glowing.

Oh I don't know. It's all been a rather odd experience.

[There is much more to come. Posts concerning Human Nature and Mortality and all sorts of thoughts that have been floating around in my head lately]