Handshaken

There's something so rewarding
about being more than civil
in a situation where you have the right
(God-given, I might say)
to be much less.
And I pride myself on this fact:
that I was,
so much more than civil,
I'm trying to show good sportsmanship.
After all, to you, this is merely a game.
One thing I'll never know
is how strategic you were
because you never,
not for one second,
let down that guard.
Allow me to say, however,
that you were either
extremely clever
or a single thought never traversed
the empty expanse
of that pretty head.
I gambled harder on you
than I ever have on anyone
and I'm done giving out
second chances and get out of jail free cards
like they're pennies,
or worse: dirt.
Because they're not,
they are so much more,
yet that is how you treated them.
I don't care so much
about the state of my heart,
I knowingly laid that on the line.
But the disrespect
and time you wasted
are insurmountable.
So no more of your
high school glory days bullshit
and no more of your fucking complacency.
I'm tired of megalomania,
so no more.
Molly said it best:
I dealt with more bullshit
than you were worth.
So tonight I shook your hand,
and congratulated you,
after I danced to your music,
listened to you play,
watched you put your arm
around the girl in the red coat.
In that handshake,
a goodbye, a knowing wink,
a 'you got me', an 'I'm out',
and maybe one day, in retrospect,
you'll finally understand what it meant,
a little respect.

tonight i will

Tonight I want to rid my heart of you.
Tonight I want to be done.
Tonight I want to burn every page
that has your name upon it,
and purge every hope and dream
I ever needlessly stowed for you.
You have a whole store room
of wishes spent,
of letters written,
and poems,
all to you,
and tonight I will lock the door
and throw away the key.
Throw it into the river,
so that it will be water under the bridge.
Tonight I'm done,
I will bow out with grace,
I will end it with a handshake
and say 'good game',
because you played so hard
that I'm opting out.
In light of everything,
I can no longer justify this gamble.
And all the reason I used to try
boiled down to stupidity,
and so no more.
Tonight I will not be the fool,
tonight cries for catharsis,
tonight my heart begs to moved forward,
and tonight I will.