I can't be right.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've never been so far gone before. I'm holding so much resentment that it just makes me indifferent to everything. And then for one brief shimmering moment I will remember God, remember Him, and in that brief moment I want it back. I want to be able to break down all the barriers that are cutting me off, I want to give it all up, give it all away, say 'fine'. And then the moment passes and I'm left more determined not to.

I can't stand the thought of leaving again. And I've given up trying to make it seem ok. I keep thinking to myself that if only I stayed, I could be happy here. I could. I could get myself somewhere to stay, I could look after myself, I wouldn't have to leave everything behind again. But deep down I know that I couldn't do it. I would feel like I failed myself, failed God (not that I haven't already), failed to live up to everything that's in store for me.

I guess I'm pretty angry because I feel like I've tried so hard this year. I've tried to give it up time and time again, and I feel like I've had no help from God whatsoever. Heals the broken hearted, my ass. And I'm completely broken, and I'm still trying. I'm still going back. I gave up looking for help from Him, and I don't know how much longer I can do this on my own.

From my journal a couple months ago:
It makes me wonder if the rest of my life fits into the box I have so willingly provided, having labeled it "God's Plan For My Life".

It makes me a little bit angry. Don't I have the right to know about my own life? Apparently not.

To choose "right" is to choose to have no say over one's life, it seems to me. Shall I choose to give up all my say over my life just because You know best?

I can't be right without choosing what You want.

Why can't I do anything right on my own? So if I am good, I bind myself to another's will, and become a servant.

And I shouldn't have such a problem with this, since you have paid the price, but for my pride and ego.